Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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