I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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