If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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