I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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