I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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