I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize