Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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