I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
