i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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