no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
