Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
