I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
