Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He better not be in your backpack
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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