So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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