I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
