I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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