that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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