you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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