I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And then he peed in my hair
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
