I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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