also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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