Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I pour the whiskey from now on
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
