Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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