Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
