i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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