If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
