Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My cat gives me a boner
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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