I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize