I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
