last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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