i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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