Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
