did you get engaged???
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
