He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
