I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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