i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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