it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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