All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't think brook has ever known best
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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