i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
