When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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