The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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