You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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