Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
