The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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