if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
