i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
