he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
