Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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