Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
