be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize