Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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