He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
