you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
this hospital has no fireball
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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