I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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