I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
