Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
