Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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