I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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